When my son Felix was an infant, I could say I love you as many times as I liked, and he’d just look up at me with those liquid eyes of bliss.
But as soon as he understood what love meant, he began to have a rather violent reaction to the word.
I’d say, “I love you, Felix,” and he’d start to cry.
“Oh Sweetie, it’s a good thing. I love you so much,” I’d say.
More tears.
“No! No!” he’d yell.
Then he’d look me right in the eye, and very sternly correct me. “I love me, and you love you, and Daddy loves Daddy.”
It’s as if he was looking right into my heart, and it pained him to see that I wasn’t directing any of my affection towards myself.
“You love YOU,” he’d say again, more commanding the second time, as he placed his little warm and sticky hand on my chest.
Me love me…
Can I do that?
Do I know how?
What would it even look like?
At the time, I don’t think I knew.
And over time, Felix changed his tune, accepting my I love yous and returning them with smiles and hugs.
Now 13, Felix might possibly say “I love you” as much as I do.
He certainly no longer admonishes me for not loving myself.
Rather, it is now my turn to make sure Felix is remembering his own wisdom.
Is he directing some of his affection towards his own heart?
Does he know how?
What would it look like for Felix to be loving towards himself?
These questions burn in my heart.
I notice I’ve decided it’s more important that Felix learn to love himself than it ever was for me to love myself.
Of course, that’s because I love Felix more than I love myself. Which is precisely what he was reprimanding me for when he was 2.
Maybe he knew that this is why so many of us do not emerge from childhood feeling whole. Nobody models it for us.
So today, for Felix’s sake, I asked myself these questions:
Am I loving myself right now?
What can I do in this moment that is loving towards myself?
Immediately, I felt my shoulders come down from around my ears and the tension drain out of my jaw. My belly relaxed, and my breathing deepened.
The inquiry itself seemed to have a healing effect all on its own.
It’s as if Love itself was saying to me, “I’m always here, underneath everything else. And whenever you ask, I’ll show myself.”
And then, slowly, a few answers emerged.
Sit.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Write.
A gentle smile spread across my face.
Yes, I do know how to love myself. I know what brings me peace. I know my medicine.
Silence.
Breath.
Letters on a page.
At least that’s my message today.
What about you?
What is your medicine?
What would it look like to be more loving towards yourself right now?
Beautiful, Claire! Thanks for this reminder.
Thank you, Linda! Sending love your way!
Hi Claire,
Thank you for the great message. It remains relevant any day and any time. WOW! Felix is 13 years old! How time flies… I wish you and your beautiful family a most festive holiday season and prosperous 2019. Always, Iris 🙂
Thank you, Iris! And yes, 13! Amazing. Sending love to you and your gorgeous family too.
Thanks, Claire. Such good advice.
Thank you Greg! Much love and aloha to you!
BEAUTIFUL!! AND AN EXCELLENT REMINDER TO ALL OF US!!!
WE ARE A GIFT TO EACH OTHER!!!
MANY THANKS!!!
Thank you Michael! Yes, we are a gift to each other. I can see your beautiful self speaking those words and it makes me smile so big! Love and thanks to you!!
Lots to ponder as I look down at the bay on my last day of a short visit to your island.
I confess that I am not sure what it would even look like to love myself; it’s a very difficult thing for some of us, as you know.
My friend who lives here and I both read your book. We did not snorkel with the dolphins on this trip for a variety of health- and tide-related reasons, but hope to do so in the future.
Wishing you and your family a pleasant, peaceful holiday in this holy place where you live.
Thank you so much Murtha! I do know loving oneself can be a colossal task. Thank you for even getting curious about it.
I can feel you through your writing here. Thank you for that as well.
May the holiness of the island follow you home and fill your heart. Sending you love and aloha!
Thank you Claire for this beautiful reminder and exploring inside myself what that would look like. The answer came early this time since late last night when most were asleep, I put on an old tape I made of some deep lovely seasonal music and like several small candles I had placed around my room with pine greens and turned out the lights. As I sat in the still quiet with the music, I could feel myself losing go and entering my Self in the peace inside. It was blissful there. Thank you for reminding me of loving myself/Self. Blessings to you n your family.
J