Surrender

~photo by Lisa Denning

“Hey Sistah!” my friend shouted.

Ed lives on the pier just beyond the rock wall, and he’s often sitting on the wall, in the little bit of shade that a nearby tree provides, offering well-wishes to all of the passersby.

He swung his hand around in a circle and flashed me the ‘hang loose’ hand sign. “All riiiight,” he said. “It’s shaky out there today, Sis. Be careful.”

“I will!” I hollered, as I returned the hand sign.

I walked down the path, looking out at the waves. It was quite the show. Waves were coming in, as you’d expect, but they were also going out — the momentum of incoming waves was creating outbound waves as the water reverberated off the rocky shore. The two would meet in spectacular double crashes that slammed in both directions at once, like the ocean was clapping her hands, producing a momentary turquoise wall that rose 10 feet above the surface.

“So beautiful!” I shouted to no one as I continued my stroll.

I slowly found my way to my favorite spot on the beach, and began to arrange my things and get my gear on. I was in no hurry.

Island time had finally found me.

I used to think that ‘island time’ simply meant ‘late.’ As in, “The meeting was at 8:00 but he’s on island time so he showed up at 10:00.”

Sometimes it does mean ‘late,’ or ‘relaxed timing.’ Even the IRS deadline for Hawaii tax returns is a few days later than the rest of the country.

But island time can also mean ‘in the right time.’ People here trust the timing of things, rather than always attempting to make the world bend to their wills and fit into their artificial calendars.

Island life requires that we remember we’re not in charge. The wind, the rain, the sun, the ocean…they’re all more powerful than we are. And then there are the volcanoes. Kilauea is producing quite the display these days, highlighting the power of Mother Earth to create and destroy as she pleases.

Luckily, we don’t have to fight the elements.

We can surrender.

One of the magic lessons I’ve learned here is that surrender doesn’t mean I’ve lost.

Rather, it means, in the moment of surrender, that I’ve chosen to lay down my arms against what-is. I’ve chosen to stop pretending that whatever is happening isn’t happening. To stop wishing that I, or he, or she, or the circumstances, were different.

Surrender means I’ve decided to join forces with truth. To link arms and hold hands with the fact that it’s raining today. Or that a tree root has broken our water pipe and we’ll be without running water for the next 6 hours. Or that I’m profoundly sad, or ashamed, or terrified.

When I surrender, Truth reaches out a hand towards me and offers me friendship.

“You’re sad,” Truth says. “What are you grieving?”
“You’re feeling ashamed,” says Truth. “I hear you. Tell me more.”

Truth doesn’t fix the situation, but rather simply joins me in it. And somehow that’s enough to burst the bubble of anger towards reality, or shame about my fear, or whatever is in the way of me taking my next breath.

And that next breath, in all it’s splendid simplicity, is enough to get me to the next breath.

And the next.

And, at some point, whatever I was cowering from in fear, or running away from in shame, or crumpling under in sadness…

At some point, I have the strength to look it in the eye and say, “Yes.”

Yes, I am hurt.
Yes, I made a mistake.
Yes, I am lost.

“Yes,” Truth says. “Now take my hand. We’ll take the next step together.”

Today it wasn’t fear or shame that I was being asked to turn towards.

Only waves.

Gorgeous, powerful, turquoise waves that could tumble me into the rocks if I chose to disrespect them.

Today, surrender meant bowing down to the power of the ocean, asking if she’d let me in, and if she agreed, waiting patiently for the moment she chose to open her doors.

I’ve learned to sidestep time in these moments. To connect so deeply with the sea that I can feel the motion of the waves inside of me.

My breath became slow and steady. I could see the next wave before it built.

Rise…………crash
Rise…………crash
Riiiiise…………CRASH
Riiise…………Crash
Rise…………slosh
Rise…………slosh

I clambered down the rocks and dove in.